The Fig Tree

 5/5/2025

             Today has been one of those days where you question every decision that you've made. I found myself starting blankly at my work computer screens, asking myself why I am in this role. Then I started playing the "what if" game with myself. "What if I accepted the other job for post-grad and lived in Wisconsin." "What if I had a kid?" "What if I didn't have a kid?" "What if I just never show back up to work and ignore all of there phone calls when they wonder where I am?" These are the questions that took up space in my head today. It's overwhelming. 

              You see, thinking of what your life would look like if had chosen a different path, is a slippery slope to unhappiness. I get caught in this trap about once a day, and I know it is time for me to reset my thinking. I have tried everything to try to avoid thinking that way, but it is our nature to think in "what if's." Life would look totally different. 

               I first found myself pondering "what if's" a lot after I graduated. It seems that major changes or life events tend to trigger it. At the time, I had started a new job, moved back home, and was planning a wedding-so yeah, a lot of things going on. But, I was reading the Bell Jar by Sylvia Path during this time in my life, and I realize that many people go through this. There is a part in the book where the main character (supposedly Sylvia herself) was dreaming about sitting under a fig tree. When she looked up, she did not see figs as food, but each one was a life. In one she saw herself as a famous poet or writer, another was her as a mother, and so on and so forth. It ended up taking her so long to choose one, that they all fell down. Now that is what I am most scared of. Many would say that I unlocked a new fear. I still think about that passage daily and realize that I am terrified of making the wrong decisions in my life that end up taking me down the path that is not the best for me. Knowing choices are irreversible, terrifies me. 

        

   

               I hope that anyone else struggling with the tiring "what if" game with themselves, finds peace in know that what should happen, will happen. Be sure to try and balance your thoughts and treat yourself kindly. Know I am right there with you.

                                                                                                                                -Alyssa M.